Page 3 - The Jewish Voice - June '23

The Jewish Voice, Page 3
Is There Someone You Wish
You Could Change?
Is (s)he the problem or is it you?
By Rabbi Dovid Vigler
Shavuos marks the
“wedding” of G-d and his
Chosen People — us! It’s
shocking, therefore, when we
learn that, instead of being a
joyous time, this period —
known as the Counting of
the Omer — is a sad time in
which we mourn the sudden
passing of 24,000 students
of the great Rabbi Akiva, in
a mysterious plague, 2000 years ago.
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Jewish Voice 05.08.23.indd 1 5/10/23
From the rabbi
No other Jewish holiday or experience is as long-lasting Upon deeper reflection we see that their failing wasn’t
as the way in which we mourn these students over seven the lack of love, it was the nature of their love.
weeks each year from Pesach to Shavuos. An extraordinary
To love someone is to accept them as they are. That’s
memorial indicates an extraordinary lesson. A deeper why we hug the people we love — to serve as a visual
reminder that we embrace not only their front that we see
understanding of the lives of these unfortunate students
of Rabbi Akiva holds the key for us to heal our closest but even their back that we don’t. A hug effectively declares
relationships — with our spouses, parents, children, and that “I accept you just the way you are, unconditionally.”
siblings. If, after seven weeks of meditative reflection, we The opposite of love is not hate, it’s judgment. When
can enrich our lives with its profound lesson, we will be one criticizes the other and refuses to accept them unless
ready to embrace our G-d as well, during the Festival of they perform to a certain standard — that’s not love, it’s a
Shavuos. form of unintended emotional abuse. Though often well-
The Talmud tells us that these 24,000 rabbis — students intentioned, the most destructive force in a relationship is
of Rabbi Akiva — all died because “they failed to adequately not the lack of love, but the misdirection of love. Too often
respect one another.” Considering that their rebbe’s mantra love can become manipulation, when the loved one is no
was that “the mitzvah of loving your fellow as yourself is longer loved unconditionally, rather the lover is actually
the foundation of the entire Torah,” it’s perplexing that working on “fixing” them.
his students — all of them — would fail to apply such a Much like addicts need drugs, alcohol, or sex to feel good
foundational directive of their own spiritual leader. about themselves and reach their “high,” some people are
addicted to other people. Early childhood trauma by highly
critical parents or neglectful caretakers has decimated their
self-esteem and they cannot feel good about themselves on
their own. They are obsessed with the people they love to
the point that their happiness is entirely dependent upon
the happiness of the people they love. They learn to respect
themselves only for their achievements, but they cannot
accept themselves for who they are.
This is love them unconditionally either — only for their successes.
your Hence, they feel the need to manipulate and control their
When it comes to the people close to them, they cannot
choices so they too will be worthy of being loved. Pia
Melody, an expert on codependency, calls this a “human
doing” instead of a “human being.” This unhealthy love
Jewish addiction is commonly known as codependency.
While all relationships require a healthy sense of give
and take, pushing that line too far quickly descends into
community. manipulation and control. Codependency says: “If you
change for me, I will be OK.” Healing says: “While I care
deeply for you, I will focus inward to find my peace.”
Recovery is maturity: In the beginning, we blame others.
The Palm Beaches As we grow, we blame ourselves. When we mature, we
are home to one blame no one.
Healthy love respects the people you love and values
of the largest, their choices. Toxic love controls them. In their sincere
most vibrant and efforts to fulfill the directive of their mentor, these
welcoming Jewish rabbinical students loved each other too much. When
Rabbi Akiva taught a class leading to inevitably different
communities anywhere. interpretations among the students, instead of respecting
their differences, the students passionately tried to
• Jewish preschool, day manipulate each other into following their reasoning.
school, Hebrew schools and Love devolved into manipulation and control and quickly
at-home learning resources descended into a complete social meltdown.
• Adult education and In case you think such behavior is uncommon,
community leadership some estimates suggest that 90 percent of Americans
development programs demonstrate codependent behavior! Do you know
• Programs for children and someone who put his or her life on hold to help others
adults with differing abilities fix their problems? The stereotypical Jewish mother
• Volunteer projects for all who lives for her children and refuses to find peace
and happiness unless her offspring (in her terms) do is
ages and abilities essentially codependent. Such love is toxic and this is
• Resources for local why, I believe, the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents can
synagogues be the most difficult in all of the Torah!
• Community events, holiday Identifying the situation is only halfway to the cure
celebrations and exclusive (Talmud). The cure for codependency is DETACH — an
travel experiences acronym for “Don’t Even Try to Change Him/Her.” Just
• Social services, including let them be. Respect their choices and love them without
emotional health support judging them.
and counseling
• Philanthropic programs for From the Rabbi on page 4
all giving levels
• Senior care and
companionship
• Financial assistance and
scholarships
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