Page 8 - Hobe Sound Reflections - February '20

Page 8, Hobe Sound

booK review

Spoiled Brats “It was that inane chant that provided the score to my But I work hard. When I
wife’s final moments. She was dying of thirst but never cried start in 1908 they pay me
By Nils A. Shapiro once. It was only later that I realized why: her body was too eighty cents each day. By
I have a confession to dehydrated to produce tears. 1912 they are giving me
make: This is not the book I “Later, Ms. Hutson assigns each student a job for the week. ninety cents, plus bowl of
had intended to review in this “My fur bristles as Ms. Hutson takes out the Jobs Board. potato soup.
month’s column. But when I This laminated poster, with its seventeen colorful squares, “I find beautiful girl
realized that the book I was rules my family’s existence. It determines everything: whether named Sarah. Her left leg
looking forward to reading is we feast or starve, live or die. I rub my paws impatiently while is lame since youth, but
528 pages – many more than Ms. Hutson assigns the week’s tasks. she has all her teeth. She
I usually have time for in my “Pencil Organizer this week is...Dylan! Line Leader is... is very clever and teaches
hectic schedule – I decided to Max! And our two Table Wipers are...Kristen and Sophie! me to spell words. I save up
put that one off for a month “Eventually, she gets to the one job that matters. pennies all week long so on
and, instead, try to find a slim “Hamster Feeder is... Sunday I can buy her treat,
volume deserving enough to take its place for this February “I scan the room. There are still some good candidates like seltzer or salt fish.
column that I could get through quickly, leaving me a couple left. Maybe we’ll luck out and get Caitlin? Last month she “When we marry and
of extra weeks for my original book choice. gave us double portions. If her name is called again, Mr. she is with child, we stay up late each night whispering. We
What I discovered – hidden for who knows how long T (one of my children) might gain some weight in time for make great plans. We will have son, and so on and so on and
among the hundreds of volumes in my own home bookshelves winter. It’s while I’m enjoying this fantasy that Ms. Hutson so on. And someday years from now, when we are dead and
– turned out to be an absolute treasure! clears her throat and---with one little word---sentences my gone, our family name will stand for strength and honor.
Since I generally prefer nonfiction over fiction, it’s family to death. Someday our hopes and dreams will come to pass.
understandable that I would have overlooked this 208-page “Simon. “One day at work I fall into brine and they close the lid
collection of 13 short stories, and while I do vaguely recall “My eyes widen with horror. Simon Rich is 2K’s above me by mistake. Much time passes; it feels like long
picking it up at a local shop some months ago I can’t even ‘class clown,’ a pudgy, hyperactive boy with some kind of sleep. When the lid is finally opened, everybody is dressed
recall now what motivated me to purchase it, except perhaps undiagnosed emotional problem.” strange, in colorful, shiny clothes. I do not recognize them.
its clever title and the brief copy on the front flap of the dust This is only one of the stories in this book in which the They tell me they are ‘conceptual artists’ and are ‘reclaiming
cover that promised “from one of the funniest writers in author becomes one of the characters, and consistently pokes the abandoned pickle factory for a performance space.’ I
America a collection of stories ... from the front lines of the fun of himself. One, in particular, stands out. While the stories realize something bad has happened in Brooklyn.
millennial culture wars ... with failing rock bands, student in this collection average about six to eight pages each, the “The science men come and explain. I have been preserved
loans, and participation trophies ... a generation of narcissists one titled “Sell Out” runs a full 78 pages, and could almost in brine a hundred years and have not aged one day. They
– and the well-meaning boomers who made them that way.” be considered a novella. describe to me the reason (how this chemical mixed with that
Of course, I am from neither of those generations, having While all of Spoiled Brats reflects a kind of brilliant chemical, and so on and so on), but I am not paying attention.
never received a sports trophy just for participating! But the Woody Allen-esque creative imagination, with no two of All I can think of is my beautiful Sarah. Years have passed
theme as a concept struck me as a potential for humor, and these stories bearing any semblance to one another, “Sell and she is surely gone.
the fact that the author, Simon Rich, is a writer for The New Out” somehow stands apart not only for its length but for the “Soon, though, I have another thought. When I fall in
Yorker magazine is an impressive credit indeed. My instinct poignant message it leaves at the end. brine, Sarah was with child. Maybe I still have family in
was correct, as I learned when the opening paragraphs of the “Sell Out” is the story of an immigrant, Herschel, from the Brooklyn? Maybe our dreams have come true?
very first story, “Animals,” had me laughing out loud: village of Slupsk who arrives in America. The entire story is “The science man turns on computing box and types. I
“They buried my wife in a shoe box in Central Park. I like told in his own words, in broken English. This excerpt will have one great-great-grandson still in Brooklyn, he says. By
to imagine that the funeral was respectful, that her body was give you the flavor of the text, but your true appreciation coincidence, he is twenty-seven years old, just like me. His
treated with a modicum of dignity. But of course I’ll never of author Simon Rich’s genius will come as the story name is Simon Rich. I am so excited I can barely breathe.
know. I wasn’t invited to the ceremony. Instead, the guests of progresses through stages that will first have you giggling with Maybe he is doctor, or even rabbi? I cannot wait to meet this
honor were the students of homeroom 2K. recognition at the inanity of the “trendy” millennial lifestyle, man—to learn the ending of my family’s story.”
“Her killers. and, finally, roaring at the surprising ending that explains the When you learn what happens to Herschel in this time
“When the children returned from the burial, they drew story’s title. of millennials – how consumers, then bloggers, react to
‘tributes’ to my wife in Magic Marker – maudlin scribbles “I am not smart with words, but I work hard every day of authentic, trendy “artisanal pickles” and change his life for a
of halos, wings, and harps. It was hard not to vomit as Ms. my life. surprising ending – you will readily understand why I heartily
Hutson taped them up above my cage. I’ve never seen such “When I come on boat I have only shirt and pants. The recommend Spoiled Brats for a rollicking good read.
tasteless dreck in all my life. Hailey, I noticed, was crying food is not kosher and I soon begin to starve. In middle of Come to think of it, a book of short stories isn’t so bad
as she drew. The irony. It was her responsibility to refill our ocean, I trade pants for tin of herring. Is very cold without after all. You can dip into it (like a jar of pickles) at any time,
water bottle last week. Instead, she spent all her free time the pants. But I survive. and at any place ... sample one or two, for however much time
with Alyssa, practicing a clapping game. “They send me to Brooklyn and I find job in pickle factory. you have ... and enjoy!
Every day, I crawl through gears and pull out rats. Is not so Spoiled Brats is available for borrowing from the Boca
easy. The rats have sharp teeth and do not like to be touched. Raton Public Library.
Dating from page 7

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