Page 14 - Jupiter Ocean Mile - February '20

Page 14, Jupiter Ocean Mile
Book Review

Spoiled Brats “Hamster Feeder is... “When we marry
“I scan the room. There are still some good candidates and she is with child, we
By Nils A. Shapiro left. Maybe we’ll luck out and get Caitlin? Last month she stay up late each night
I have a confession to gave us double portions. If her name is called again, Mr. whispering. We make
make: This is not the book T (one of my children) might gain some weight in time for great plans. We will have
I had intended to review in winter. It’s while I’m enjoying this fantasy that Ms. Hutson son, and so on and so on
this month’s column. But clears her throat and---with one little word---sentences my and so on. And someday
when I realized that the family to death. years from now, when we
book I was looking forward “Simon. are dead and gone, our
to reading is 528 pages – “My eyes widen with horror. Simon Rich is 2K’s family name will stand
many more than I usually ‘class clown,’ a pudgy, hyperactive boy with some kind of for strength and honor.
have time for in my hectic undiagnosed emotional problem.” Someday our hopes and
schedule – I decided to put This is only one of the stories in this book in which the dreams will come to pass.
that one off for a month and, author becomes one of the characters, and consistently pokes “One day at work I
instead, try to find a slim volume deserving enough to take fun of himself. One, in particular, stands out. While the stories fall into brine and they
its place for this February column that I could get through in this collection average about six to eight pages each, the close the lid above me
quickly, leaving me a couple of extra weeks for my original one titled “Sell Out” runs a full 78 pages, and could almost by mistake. Much time
book choice. be considered a novella. passes; it feels like long sleep. When the lid is finally opened,
What I discovered – hidden for who knows how While all of Spoiled Brats reflects a kind of brilliant everybody is dressed strange, in colorful, shiny clothes. I do not
long among the hundreds of volumes in my own home Woody Allen-esque creative imagination, with no two of recognize them. They tell me they are ‘conceptual artists’ and
bookshelves – turned out to be an absolute treasure! these stories bearing any semblance to one another, “Sell are ‘reclaiming the abandoned pickle factory for a performance
Since I generally prefer nonfiction over fiction, it’s Out” somehow stands apart not only for its length but for space.’ I realize something bad has happened in Brooklyn.
understandable that I would have overlooked this 208-page the poignant message it leaves at the end. “The science men come and explain. I have been
collection of 13 short stories, and while I do vaguely recall “Sell Out” is the story of an immigrant, Herschel, from the preserved in brine a hundred years and have not aged one
picking it up at a local shop some months ago I can’t even village of Slupsk who arrives in America. The entire story is day. They describe to me the reason (how this chemical mixed
recall now what motivated me to purchase it, except perhaps told in his own words, in broken English. This excerpt will with that chemical, and so on and so on), but I am not paying
its clever title and the brief copy on the front flap of the dust give you the flavor of the text, but your true appreciation attention. All I can think of is my beautiful Sarah. Years have
cover that promised “from one of the funniest writers in of author Simon Rich’s genius will come as the story passed and she is surely gone.
America a collection of stories ... from the front lines of the progresses through stages that will first have you giggling “Soon, though, I have another thought. When I fall in
millennial culture wars ... with failing rock bands, student with recognition at the inanity of the “trendy” millennial brine, Sarah was with child. Maybe I still have family in
loans, and participation trophies ... a generation of narcissists lifestyle, and, finally, roaring at the surprising ending that Brooklyn? Maybe our dreams have come true?
– and the well-meaning boomers who made them that way.” explains the story’s title. “The science man turns on computing box and types. I
Of course, I am from neither of those generations, having “I am not smart with words, but I work hard every day of have one great-great-grandson still in Brooklyn, he says. By
never received a sports trophy just for participating! But the my life. coincidence, he is twenty-seven years old, just like me. His
theme as a concept struck me as a potential for humor, and “When I come on boat I have only shirt and pants. The name is Simon Rich. I am so excited I can barely breathe.
the fact that the author, Simon Rich, is a writer for The New food is not kosher and I soon begin to starve. In middle of Maybe he is doctor, or even rabbi? I cannot wait to meet this
Yorker magazine is an impressive credit indeed. My instinct ocean, I trade pants for tin of herring. Is very cold without man—to learn the ending of my family’s story.”
was correct, as I learned when the opening paragraphs of the the pants. But I survive. When you learn what happens to Herschel in this time
very first story, “Animals,” had me laughing out loud: “They send me to Brooklyn and I find job in pickle factory. of millennials – how consumers, then bloggers, react to
“They buried my wife in a shoe box in Central Park. I like Every day, I crawl through gears and pull out rats. Is not so authentic, trendy “artisanal pickles” and change his life for a
to imagine that the funeral was respectful, that her body was easy. The rats have sharp teeth and do not like to be touched. surprising ending – you will readily understand why I heartily
treated with a modicum of dignity. But of course I’ll never But I work hard. When I start in 1908 they pay me eighty recommend Spoiled Brats for a rollicking good read.
know. I wasn’t invited to the ceremony. Instead, the guests cents each day. By 1912 they are giving me ninety cents, plus Come to think of it, a book of short stories isn’t so bad
of honor were the students of homeroom 2K. bowl of potato soup. after all. You can dip into it (like a jar of pickles) at any time,
“Her killers. “I find beautiful girl named Sarah. Her left leg is lame and at any place ... sample one or two, for however much
“When the children returned from the burial, they drew since youth, but she has all her teeth. She is very clever and time you have ... and enjoy!
‘tributes’ to my wife in Magic Marker – maudlin scribbles teaches me to spell words. I save up pennies all week long Spoiled Brats is available for borrowing from the Boca
of halos, wings, and harps. It was hard not to vomit as Ms. so on Sunday I can buy her treat, like seltzer or salt fish. Raton Public Library.
Hutson taped them up above my cage. I’ve never seen such
tasteless dreck in all my life. Hailey, I noticed, was crying
as she drew. The irony. It was her responsibility to refill our Locally Owned & Operated
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February 2020 / Jupiter Inlet Tide Chart

Day High Low High Low High Day High Low High Low High
Fri 01 12:40 AM EST −0.3 ft 6:51 AM EST 1.8 ft 1:10 PM EST 0.2 ft 6:55 PM EST 1.7 ft Fri 15 5:04 AM EST 1.8 ft 11:23 AM EST 0.2 ft 5:10 PM EST 1.7 ft 11:50 PM EST −0.4 ft
Sat 02 1:27 AM EST −0.3 ft 7:36 AM EST 1.8 ft 1:55 PM EST 0.1 ft 7:39 PM EST 1.7 ft Sat 16 6:07 AM EST 1.9 ft 12:24 PM EST 0.0 ft 6:16 PM EST 1.9 ft
Sun 03 2:10 AM EST −0.3 ft 8:16 AM EST 1.9 ft 2:36 PM EST 0.1 ft 8:20 PM EST 1.8 ft Sun 17 12:49 AM EST −0.6 ft 7:05 AM EST 2.1 ft 1:21 PM EST −0.2 ft 7:16 PM EST 2.0 ft
Mon 04 2:50 AM EST −0.3 ft 8:53 AM EST 1.9 ft 3:15 PM EST −0.0 ft 8:59 PM EST 1.8 ft Mon 18 1:45 AM EST −0.8 ft 7:58 AM EST 2.2 ft 2:15 PM EST −0.4 ft 8:11 PM EST 2.2 ft
Tue 05 3:28 AM EST −0.3 ft 9:29 AM EST 1.9 ft 3:52 PM EST −0.0 ft 9:38 PM EST 1.8 ft Tue 19 2:38 AM EST −0.9 ft 8:47 AM EST 2.3 ft 3:06 PM EST −0.6 ft 9:04 PM EST 2.3 ft
Wed 06 4:04 AM EST −0.3 ft 10:04 AM EST 1.9 ft 4:28 PM EST −0.1 ft 10:15 PM EST 1.8 ft Wed 20 3:30 AM EST −0.9 ft 9:35 AM EST 2.4 ft 3:57 PM EST −0.8 ft 9:56 PM EST 2.4 ft
Thu 07 4:39 AM EST −0.2 ft 10:39 AM EST 1.9 ft 5:02 PM EST −0.1 ft 10:53 PM EST 1.8 ft Thu 21 4:21 AM EST −0.9 ft 10:22 AM EST 2.4 ft 4:47 PM EST −0.8 ft 10:47 PM EST 2.3 ft
Fri 08 5:13 AM EST −0.1 ft 11:13 AM EST 1.8 ft 5:36 PM EST −0.1 ft 11:32 PM EST 1.8 ft Fri 22 5:11 AM EST −0.7 ft 11:09 AM EST 2.3 ft 5:38 PM EST −0.8 ft 11:38 PM EST 2.3 ft
Sat 09 5:49 AM EST −0.0 ft 11:48 AM EST 1.8 ft 6:12 PM EST −0.1 ft Sat 23 6:03 AM EST −0.5 ft 11:56 AM EST 2.2 ft 6:29 PM EST −0.6 ft
Sun 10 12:13 AM EST 1.7 ft 6:28 AM EST 0.1 ft 12:26 PM EST 1.7 ft 6:52 PM EST −0.1 ft Sun 24 12:30 AM EST 2.1 ft 6:56 AM EST −0.3 ft 12:45 PM EST 2.0 ft 7:23 PM EST −0.5 ft
Mon 11 12:58 AM EST 1.7 ft 7:13 AM EST 0.2 ft 1:06 PM EST 1.6 ft 7:40 PM EST −0.1 ft Mon 25 1:24 AM EST 2.0 ft 7:53 AM EST −0.0 ft 1:36 PM EST 1.9 ft 8:21 PM EST −0.3 ft
Tue 12 1:50 AM EST 1.6 ft 8:07 AM EST 0.3 ft 1:54 PM EST 1.6 ft 8:36 PM EST −0.1 ft Tue 26 2:22 AM EST 1.8 ft 8:53 AM EST 0.2 ft 2:32 PM EST 1.7 ft 9:21 PM EST −0.1 ft
Wed 13 2:49 AM EST 1.6 ft 9:10 AM EST 0.3 ft 2:52 PM EST 1.6 ft 9:40 PM EST −0.2 ft Wed 27 3:24 AM EST 1.7 ft 9:55 AM EST 0.3 ft 3:33 PM EST 1.6 ft 10:23 PM EST −0.0 ft
Thu 14 3:56 AM EST 1.7 ft 10:18 AM EST 0.3 ft 4:00 PM EST 1.6 ft 10:46 PM EST −0.3 ft Thu 28 4:28 AM EST 1.7 ft 10:57 AM EST 0.4 ft 4:37 PM EST 1.6 ft 11:22 PM EST 0.0 ft
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