Page 19 - Boca ViewPointe - April '20

April 2020 Viewpointe, Page 19
Ask The Therapist

Comforting The Bereaved be in shock and pain, help with practical decisions and He/She is in a better place.
tasks are beneficial. These include assisting with funeral Unless you really know where they are, please
By Elaine S. Rubinson arrangements, running errands, making phone calls, eliminate this from your sympathetic statements.
L.M.H.C. assuring meals, taking care of insurance, bills, tending It’s part of God’s plan.
to pets or other household and family needs. Look at what you have to be thankful for.
Dear Elaine: My wife After the funeral, after the cards and flowers and visits These two statements can be met with disbelief and
died recently and after have decreased, a grieving person is most vulnerable. anger.
the funeral, shiva and It’s at this time that support is more valuable than ever. How are you doing/holding up?
mourning period, I am Adjusting to loneliness is painful and having people stay We certainly can expect a newly bereaved person to
attempting to pull my life in touch, checking in by phone, letters, cards and making reply “Not well”. However, this statement can often force
together. plans to get together will help the bereaved feel less alone. someone struggling with grief to put on a false face.
Needless to say, I feel I Many well thinking people find it difficult to know This is behind you now. It’s time to get on with your
am on a roller coaster with just what to say when offering condolences. Here are is life.
extreme emotional ups and a list of sensitive do’s and don’ts. Urging the bereaved person to move on is being
downs. I am deeply grateful for the loving support of my insensitive to the fact that grief has a mind of its own
family and friends. However, at times when they try to How To Express Sympathy and works at its own pace.
comfort me, they say or do things that really are not very I’m Sorry for your loss. Statements that begin with “you should” or “you will.”
comforting. Although this phrase has become a cliché, it is also a These statements are too directive. Instead you could
Many only want to talk about their problems. Does my simple and sincere way of communicating your care. say “have you ‘thought about’ ” or “you might try.”
grief at this time cause me to perceive their sympathetic You are in my thoughts. I’m thinking of you. It’s not necessary to say and do all the right things or
words as insensitive, sometimes annoying, or should I Helps a bereaved person feel less isolated in the world. have answers or give advice unless you are specifically
just grin and bear it? He, she was a wonderful person. asked.
Signed, Jerry I will miss him/her. The most important thing one can do for a grieving
Dear Jerry: I am so sorry for your loss and I truly This must be so hard for you. person is to simply be there.
acknowledge your grief and your effort to move on. When you are ready, I’d like to hear more about your It’s the support and caring presence that will help the
Your question mirrors that which I have heard in my loved one. mourner cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.
office many times by others who have suffered a loss. Share a memory of the person who died.
People who wish to offer condolences often struggle with Acknowledging the loss and offering to listen to the Elaine S Rubinson L.M.H.C. is a Licensed
what to say or do for the bereaved, who are also struggling bereaved is letting them know that you are there for them. Psychotherapist with a current practice in Boca Raton.
with many intense and painful emotions. She is also a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family and
They may be cautious about intruding, saying the Words My Patients Tell Me That Are Truly Elder Law Mediator. For further information, contact her
wrong thing or making the mourner feel even worse. Or Not Helpful at er@northstar-centre.com. 
maybe they think there’s little they can do to make things Because the bereaved typically feel overwhelmed and
better. Discomfort should not prevent one from reaching highly emotional, they are sensitive to anything that can Stamp and Coin Club
out to someone who is grieving. Now, more than ever, add more pressure to their lives until they can figure it
they need support. out themselves. Boca Raton Stamp & Coin Club asks you to start
There are many stages of grief, with a continuum I know how you are feeling. a new hobby.
spanning from immediately after the death, through the Everyone grieves differently and has their own unique Visit with us at the Stratford Courts Auditorium
funeral and shiva, during the mourning period and on to experience. Offering to compassionately listen to how located at 6343 Via Sonrisa del Sur, off S.W. 18th
Street, between Powerline Road and Military Trail.
adjusting to a new role of one who no longer has a spouse, they are feeling lets them know you are there for them. We meet the second and fourth Thursday each
parent, child, sibling, friend or family member. Talking about your experience with loss. month at 7 p.m. Please call membership coordinator
Comfort is welcome at each stage, but may be in Although you may feel this can be helpful, the newly Harvey Golinger at (561) 752-4922. n
different forms. For a newly bereaved person, who may bereaved needs to take center stage and be heard at this time.

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Send checks to: NOW for Holocaust Survivors
Marilyn and Stanley M. Katz Seniors Campus
4847 David S. Mack Drive, West Palm Beach, FL 33417