Page 24 - PGA Community News - February '20

Page 24, PGA C.A.N.! February 2020 February 2020

Book Review

Spoiled Brats know. I wasn’t invited to “Simon.
the ceremony. Instead, “My eyes widen with horror. Simon Rich is 2K’s
By Nils A. Shapiro the guests of honor were ‘class clown,’ a pudgy, hyperactive boy with some kind of
I have a confession to the students of homeroom undiagnosed emotional problem.”
make: This is not the book I 2K. This is only one of the stories in this book in which the
had intended to review in this “Her killers. author becomes one of the characters, and consistently pokes
month’s column. But when I “When the children fun of himself. One, in particular, stands out. While the stories
realized that the book I was returned from the burial, in this collection average about six to eight pages each, the
looking forward to reading is they drew ‘tributes’ to my one titled “Sell Out” runs a full 78 pages, and could almost
528 pages – many more than wife in Magic Marker be considered a novella.
I usually have time for in my – maudlin scribbles of While all of Spoiled Brats reflects a kind of brilliant Woody
hectic schedule – I decided to halos, wings, and harps. Allen-esque creative imagination, with no two of these stories
put that one off for a month It was hard not to vomit bearing any semblance to one another, “Sell Out” somehow
and, instead, try to find a slim as Ms. Hutson taped stands apart not only for its length but for the poignant message
volume deserving enough to take its place for this February them up above my cage. it leaves at the end.
column that I could get through quickly, leaving me a couple I’ve never seen such “Sell Out” is the story of an immigrant, Herschel, from
of extra weeks for my original book choice. tasteless dreck in all my the village of Slupsk who arrives in America. The entire story
What I discovered – hidden for who knows how long life. Hailey, I noticed, was crying as she drew. The irony. It was is told in his own words, in broken English. This excerpt will
among the hundreds of volumes in my own home bookshelves her responsibility to refill our water bottle last week. Instead, give you the flavor of the text, but your true appreciation of
– turned out to be an absolute treasure! she spent all her free time with Alyssa, practicing a clapping author Simon Rich’s genius will come as the story progresses
Since I generally prefer nonfiction over fiction, it’s game. through stages that will first have you giggling with recognition
understandable that I would have overlooked this 208-page “It was that inane chant that provided the score to my at the inanity of the “trendy” millennial lifestyle, and, finally,
collection of 13 short stories, and while I do vaguely recall wife’s final moments. She was dying of thirst but never cried roaring at the surprising ending that explains the story’s title.
picking it up at a local shop some months ago I can’t even once. It was only later that I realized why: her body was too “I am not smart with words, but I work hard every day of
recall now what motivated me to purchase it, except perhaps its dehydrated to produce tears. my life.
clever title and the brief copy on the front flap of the dust cover “Later, Ms. Hutson assigns each student a job for the week. “When I come on boat I have only shirt and pants. The food
that promised “from one of the funniest writers in America a “My fur bristles as Ms. Hutson takes out the Jobs Board. is not kosher and I soon begin to starve. In middle of ocean, I
collection of stories ... from the front lines of the millennial This laminated poster, with its seventeen colorful squares, rules trade pants for tin of herring. Is very cold without the pants.
culture wars ... with failing rock bands, student loans, and my family’s existence. It determines everything: whether we But I survive.
participation trophies ... a generation of narcissists – and the feast or starve, live or die. I rub my paws impatiently while “They send me to Brooklyn and I find job in pickle factory.
well-meaning boomers who made them that way.” Ms. Hutson assigns the week’s tasks. Every day, I crawl through gears and pull out rats. Is not so
Of course, I am from neither of those generations, having “Pencil Organizer this week is...Dylan! Line Leader is... easy. The rats have sharp teeth and do not like to be touched.
never received a sports trophy just for participating! But the Max! And our two Table Wipers are...Kristen and Sophie! But I work hard. When I start in 1908 they pay me eighty cents
theme as a concept struck me as a potential for humor, and “Eventually, she gets to the one job that matters. each day. By 1912 they are giving me ninety cents, plus bowl
the fact that the author, Simon Rich, is a writer for The New “Hamster Feeder is... of potato soup.
Yorker magazine is an impressive credit indeed. My instinct “I scan the room. There are still some good candidates left. “I find beautiful girl named Sarah. Her left leg is lame
was correct, as I learned when the opening paragraphs of the Maybe we’ll luck out and get Caitlin? Last month she gave us since youth, but she has all her teeth. She is very clever and
very first story, “Animals,” had me laughing out loud: double portions. If her name is called again, Mr. T (one of my teaches me to spell words. I save up pennies all week long so
“They buried my wife in a shoe box in Central Park. I like children) might gain some weight in time for winter. It’s while on Sunday I can buy her treat, like seltzer or salt fish.
to imagine that the funeral was respectful, that her body was I’m enjoying this fantasy that Ms. Hutson clears her throat
treated with a modicum of dignity. But of course I’ll never and---with one little word---sentences my family to death. Book Review on page 25

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